AJ’s Art Journal: Build Your Wings
Forgiving the Unforgivable and Ending Your Own Suffering
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ~Malachy McCourtro
I was completely unprepared for the emotional hailstorm that bombarded me when, back in 2001, I learned that my wife had been having an affair with my best friend of twenty-plus years.
My normal, predictable life (which I absolutely loved, by the way) had been virtually shattered overnight. Not only did it culminate in a very bitter war (see: divorce), it also marked the onset of a toxic poison that had begun to work its way into my veins: resentment.
It began with …
How My Anger Led Me to Forgiveness and Peace
“Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.” ~Alice Duer Miller
As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a relative, I had become accustomed to keeping secrets. Silence, I was taught, was a good thing. It protected people that I loved.
So for over a decade, I carried the dark and overbearing weight of my past in secrecy and in silence, believing I was the only one in the world who’d ever experienced such abuse—until I learned from a college workshop that one in four women and one in five men fall …
Do You Take Up as Much Space as You Deserve?
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou
As a child, I got bombarded with the message that I was too much. Everywhere I turned, people said I was too loud, too smart, too heavy, too talkative, too impulsive, too intense, too happy, too forward, too silly.
My too-eager little self took those opinions as commandments, so I tried to fit the image of what others said I should be.
I made myself smaller. It never worked. Our authentic selves force their way to the …
6 Simple Personal Commitments to Overcome Low Self-Esteem
“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” ~Iyanla Vanzant
You’re smart, funny, and genuinely good at heart.
You have ideas that could solve many of the problems you see around you. You could regale people with interesting stories that crack them up. You could be the perfect partner, parent, or friend.
But you don’t always live up to that potential.
Something holds you back.
Something tells you that your ideas are not worth announcing …
Loving Others Without Expecting Them to Fill a Void
“You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Conventional notions of what it means to love are populated with expectations for reciprocity, which often gets us into trouble. I know this personally, because whenever I have “freely” given my love and it has not been rewarded with reciprocity, I have often come face to face with my resentment.
This has been especially true of my intimate relationships. I want the people who fall into this category, in particular, to reciprocate my love. I expect them to. But, as Thich Nhat Hanh points …
Preserving Kindness in a Busy World: We Are All Connected
“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest good intention.” ~Oscar Wilde
Three times in the last two months I have nearly been run over by a fellow shopper’s grocery cart. Each time the customer rushing closely behind me had to suddenly swerve and push past, clearly annoyed with the obstacle, which was me.
As unpleasant as this was, I can relate to that shopper’s sense of urgency. Grocery shopping is one of my least favorite tasks. I focus on my list, sometimes while talking on the phone, and get done as quickly as possible.
There has …
Today Can Be the Day You Turn Things Around
“In chaos, there is fertility.” ~Anais Nin
How did I get to this point?
This question pulsed through my brain repeatedly as I drove to my parents’ house in a state of complete exhaustion. My young daughter was strapped in the back seat, my pregnant belly pushing against the steering wheel, hot tears streaming down my face.
I was done. I had nothing left to give. How did I get here?
Gradually, then suddenly.
With eternal gratitude to Hemingway, three simple words so elegantly summarize how I ended up in a situation I didn’t want or expect.
“How did you …
Reclaim Your Authentic Self: 4 Steps to Recover from Bullying and Abuse
When I was in fourth grade, a girl from another class bullied me. I was in the bathroom during class when I heard the door creak open and whooshing shut. There was silence for a moment, then the girl’s hands appeared on the top of the stall door, followed by her face.
“Whaddaya doin’ in there?” she asked.
I quickly covered myself and replied as nicely as I could, “I’m using the bathroom.”
“Well, hurry up,” she said. “Because I want to go.” There were three other stalls, so I knew I was in trouble.
I had no idea who …
My Shoes: A Short Film About Wanting to Be Someone Else
We are more fortunate than we think. What blessing can you recognize and celebrate today?
Don’t Respond to Drama and Drama Won’t Come Back Around
“When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama.” – Eckhart Tolle
One day several years ago, I was fraught with anxiety over with how to handle an uncomfortable personnel situation at work. I had an employee that was borderline explosive and insubordinate. I was a wreck over how to best handle the situation because before I was this employee’s manager, I was her friend.
I found myself wanting to fix the problem by delving deeper into her drama, wanting to know why she felt a certain way, what I had …
Get Some Perspective: 4 Ways to See Yourself and the World Differently
“Your outlook on life is a direct reflection on how much you like yourself.” ~Lululemon
Several months ago I wrote an article that sat for months without being published. A few weeks ago the editor emailed me to say how pleased she was with it and that it would post the following week.
Since I hadn’t thought about it in a while (and she’d sent me the preview link), I figured I’d check out her edits and re-read the post. As I sat back and took in what I wrote, I was genuinely astonished at how well done it was. …
Becoming More Positive When Negativity Feels Instinctive
“Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power.” ~Shirley MacLaine
If you have ever felt the depths of depression, you know it’s not the same as being sad or having “the blues.” It’s the hopeless, overwhelming feeling of melancholy where nothing, not even the people you love, can pull you out.
It can feel like being under water in the ocean while the waves keep washing over you, pushing you further and further underneath, while no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to break the surface to get that much needed air in order to survive.
Unfortunately, …
Emotionally Overloaded: Are You Taking on Too Much of Other People’s Pain?
“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” ~Havelock Ellis
I would have done anything for my friends, until one of them nearly broke my heart and spirit. He was my best friend. We felt like platonic soul mates.
We had a standing lunch date every week, called each other terms of endearment, cried together, laughed together—the standard best friend things.
Then, tragedy struck him. Over and over.
His long-time partner left him. Then he lost his executive-level job. Next, he had a string of major medical issues that put him in …
Do You Define Yourself and Your Life Negatively?
Growing up on military bases I learned to make friends quickly. My family moved a half dozen times before I was out of the second grade, so I didn’t have many other options. But while living on base it was easy, because all us military brats were in the same boat.
In third grade my dad retired from the Air Force and we went to live in a small town just south of Nashville, Tennessee. Once we moved everything changed. Instead of living with the sons and daughters of service families, I went to school with the children of the …
8 Limiting Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck (and How to Overcome Them)
“Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
For almost three years, I’d been living out of a suitcase, relocating every three to six months. To some people, this lifestyle sounds adventurous and exciting. But anyone who’s ever lived like this understands how exhausting and scary it can be: I felt unsettled in my career, unhappy in my relationships, and completely alone in the world.
While I knew I was unhappy and that I wanted to make a change, the truth is that I felt completely stuck in the lifestyle I’d chosen for myself. When I brainstormed about what was …
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