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How Our Egos Create Drama in Our Relationships (And How to Avoid It)

By in Blog, love & relationships

“The ego is the false self-born out of fear and defensiveness.” ~John O’Donohue

I started a new relationship in December 2015, then moved countries to be with my Swedish partner in August, 2016.

The last year has been life changing in the best possible ways. I’ve learned so much about myself, things I didn’t have the courage to acknowledge before.

But it hasn’t all been a bed of roses—some of the insights I’ve gleaned haven’t been that comfortable to see.

We met on an intensive spiritual retreat in India. We’ve both spent many years working on ourselves and our issues, …

How to Dissolve Social Anxiety by Doing Nothing

By in Blog, change & challenges, love & relationships, mindfulness & peace

“Your thoughts have to understand one thing: that you are not interested in them. The moment you have made this point you have attained a tremendous victory.” ~Osho

“What do you do when you go out alone to the forest for the whole day?” my friend asked.

“Nothing. I just sit there, enjoy the peace, and let my thoughts be,” I replied.

“So you meditate,” she said.

“No,” I objected. “I just sit there and do nothing.”

“But that’s meditation,” she insisted.

I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. “Okay, if that’s what you want to call it.”

At that …

Our Words Have Power (So Speak Kindly To and About Yourself)

By in Blog, healthy habits

“I monitor my self-talk, making sure it is supportive and uplifting for myself and others.” ~ Louise Hay

Three years ago, I ended up with no work in a foreign country. I was almost depressed, as I didn’t know what to say when people asked questions about my profession. The idea of making no income injected my mind with a wide repertoire of worries, fears, and concerns.

I was lost and stuck, and the way I was labeling myself at the time felt quite painful: unemployed. Not only did it look like I had a serious problem to deal …

Why I Drank, How It Destroyed Me, and How I’m Healing My Self-Hatred

By in Blog, change & challenges

TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual assault and self-harm and may be triggering to some people.

Hi, I’m Adriana and I’m an alcoholic.

When I look back at my life, I realize it was inevitable that I’d end up here.

By the time I was nineteen, I’d already had a history of self-harm through cutting, a bi-product of my depression and anxiety. I was anorexic. I’d had a near cervical-cancer scare not once, but twice within a six-month period, leaving my gynecologist back in Sydney speechless. “I have never had a case like yours.”…

How to Ask for What You Want and Need (No, It’s Not Selfish)

By in Blog, love & relationships

“It’s not selfish to put yourself first—it’s self-full.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

I’ve always thought of myself as individualistic. When I was a teenager, I often felt the desire to go against the grain, dressing alternatively and shunning bands my peers liked because I felt they were too popular. So it came as a huge surprise to me when my therapist called me a people pleaser the other day.

I recently started cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, and during the first session my therapist identified that I put other people’s needs and wants ahead of my own.

He’d asked me to give …

Breaking the Chains of Victimhood When You’ve Been Abused

By in Blog, change & challenges, letting go, mindfulness & peace

“Toxically shamed people tend to become more and more stagnant as life goes on. They live in a guarded, secretive, and defensive way. They try to be more than human (perfect and controlling) or less than human (losing interest in life or stagnated in some addictive behavior).” ~John Bradshaw- Healing the Shame That Binds You

Do you feel like a victim? Are those around you suggesting that you are acting like a victim? Are these same people telling you to get over it and move on? Do these judgments and statements feel harmful or helpful for you?

Most people making …

A 7-Step Plan for Finding Love After a Devastating Breakup

By in Blog, love & relationships

“Resilience in love means finding strength from within that you can share with others.” ~Sheryl Sandberg

It took me a couple months to start repairing my broken heart after the toughest breakup of my life. I thought we were going to spend our lives together, but the gods of love had other plans.

After I’d grieved in healthy (and not-so-healthy ways) I knew I could take two paths: stay stuck in my misery or pick myself up, dust off my sadness, and make a plan to move on.

And now it’s time for you to move on and find love …

When Everything Falls Apart: How to Start Moving Forward

By in Blog, change & challenges

“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Not too long ago, I had the worst week of my life.

Let me give you some background. Just over a year ago, I was diagnosed with a meningioma—a benign brain tumor. “It’s small,” I was told. “It won’t cause you any issues, at least not for several years.”

Fast forward to May 18, 2017. “It has grown. We need to start considering surgery or radiation.”

Whoa. Major brain surgery …

Why We Push Ourselves Too Hard and How to Work Less

By in Blog, work fulfillment

“Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.” ~Unknown

I was sitting on the beach with my wonderful girlfriend, trying to relax on our vacation in Florida, yet I was racked with anxiety.

We were lying under a large umbrella, taking in the beautiful waves and swaying palm trees, attempting to recover from the past months (and years) of overwork and overstress. But all I could think about was a marketing initiative I was working on for a client.

The more I tried to chill, the more nervous I became. My girlfriend lay …

Kindness Isn’t Weakness (and We Need It to Survive)

By in Blog, love & relationships

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~Leo Buscaglia

Many of us are brought up today to look after number one, to go out and get what we want—and the more of it we can have, the better.

Our society preaches survival of the fittest and often encourages us to succeed at the expense of others.

I was no different, and while I noticed a tendency to feel sorry for …

7 Misconceptions That Keep You from Achieving Peace of Mind

By in Blog, mindfulness & peace

“There is no greater wealth in this world than peace of mind.” ~Unknown

Achieving (and keeping) peace of mind is high on my priority list, yet my choices didn’t always reflect this, particularly when it pertained to my work.

Over time, I realized that I needed to change to live a more peaceful life.

If you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and frustrated, it may be time to bust a few misapprehensions. Here are a few of the main ones that compromised my peace of mind.

1. Money will make me happy.

I formerly considered money and material possessions to be …

How to Start Liking Your Body More (Just as It Is)

By in Blog, healthy habits, love & relationships

“Body love is more than acceptance of self or the acceptance of the body. Body love is about self-worth in general. It’s more than our physical appearance.” ~Mary Lambert

This past week, I got married.

For me, this symbolized not only a new chapter in my life with a partner, but also a new chapter in life with myself.

Here, in this new chapter, I officially left behind the woman who was constantly trying to mold herself into whatever she needed to be to (hopefully) be accepted and loved by a partner.

And instead, I found the woman who was …

Overcoming Defensive Thinking: If You Try to Avoid Criticism, Read On

By in Blog, change & challenges, mindfulness & peace

“We are used to thinking of thinking as a good thing, as that which makes us human. It can be quite a revelation to discover that so much of our thinking appears to be boring, repetitive, and pointless while keeping us isolated and cut off from the feelings of connection that we most value.” ~Mark Epstein

I grew up with parents who seemed to love me until I was eight but then turned on me inexplicably.

Suddenly, my father would hit me, two knuckles on top of my head, yelling, “Why don’t you listen?”

My parents gave me grudging credit …

Why I No Longer Need to Be the Best at Everything I Do

By in Blog, letting go

“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have.
” ~Abraham Lincoln

As a child, my father always told me, “At everything you do, you have to be number one.” I tried. In some ways, I succeeded. I got high grades. Sometimes, the highest. Sometimes, I got awards.

I became an expert at figuring out other people’s expectations and meeting them. This got me approval, but it never made me happy. I wasn’t passionate about grades, awards, or …

How I Prioritize and Take Care of Myself Without Feeling Selfish

By in Blog, healthy habits

“I am worthy of the best things in life, and I now lovingly allow myself to accept it.” ~Louise Hay

Looking back on my life, I see that for a long time I struggled to take care of my own wants and needs and didn’t make them a priority. I used to find that very uncomfortable, and sometimes even selfish. I was a master of giving, but I faced serious obstacles to receiving.

By nature, I am a nurturer. I find tremendous joy and fulfillment in giving, so the old me used to offer plenty of time and energy to …

How a 10-Day Silent Retreat Helped Heal My Grieving Heart

By in Blog, change & challenges, mindfulness & peace

“In a retreat situation, you are forced to come face to face with yourself, to see yourself in depth, to meet yourself.” ~Lama Zopa Rinpoche

When I was at university, doing a ten-day silent Vipassana meditation retreat was considered a hardcore rite of passage only the toughest among us attempted. Those who lasted the distance referred to it as a “mind-blowing” and “life-changing” experience.

“Think of how you feel after an orgasm,” a friend said when I considered finally doing a Vipassana meditation retreat to reconnect with myself after a decade in full time employment. “Imagine feeling for two months …

Sometimes the Safe Path is Not the Right Path

By in Blog, meaning & passion, work fulfillment

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an artist. I loved to draw, especially, and even took art classes on the weekends when I could. For fun.

Obviously, being an artist isn’t a viable career (or so everyone in my life told me in subtle and not so subtle ways), so instead of going to college to delve deeper into drawing or painting or sculpture, I went the safe route: art teacher.

Well, after a few semesters I decided I didn’t want …

A Letter to My Exes: I’m Sorry You Never Knew Me

By in Blog, love & relationships

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” ~Brené Brown

To all of my ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers, and especially my ex-husband, I am so sorry.

I’m sorry because I never gave you the chance to really know me. I hid myself from you. I showed you the smallest version of myself because I didn’t trust you to meet me in my strength, my bigness, and my desire. Well, in truth it was …

What My Self-Judgment Was Trying to Tell Me

By in Blog, change & challenges

“Regret is a fair but tough teacher.” ~Brene Brown

A few weeks back, I found myself in the midst of a shame hangover and, like most people, when I’m in that unique internal cavern, self-judgments swoop into my consciousness like a colony of rabid bats in a four-foot tent.

I’ll paint the picture…

There are about two or three boys that have started visiting the houses on my block recently. They hold a rag and a windex bottle, come into every yard, knock on the door, and ask to wash the front doors (most of which are glass). Seems pretty …

A Powerful Technique That Can Help Heal the Pain of Regret

By in Blog, change & challenges, letting go, mindfulness & peace

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” ~Rick Warren

Regret—whether for things that you have done or things that you had no control over—can keep you frozen in the past, unable to move forward. Sadly, there are no magic wands that can turn back the hands of time and change what has happened, but despite this I believe we’re not entirely powerless to affect the past, after all.

I first began thinking of this subject when my daughter was young and having serious ongoing problems with fear. She wasn’t able to go …