Hey SereneWolf,

My grandfather preciously. My grandfather was like in village head group. So he seen lot of people in lot of situations. He did helped lot of people though. But after a while he be like “people are there for their means” when they forget.
And the thing is it impacted me somehow but not on a deeper level. I still believe I should help people if I can and don’t expect anything from them in return. Even gratitude. I’m doing it just because I can and I want to. Even though I been around colleagues who thought that uplifting others means they would stay in lower class

I am glad your grandfather’s belief (that people are self-centered and don’t genuinely care about others) hasn’t affected you too much. And that you still choose to help others, rather than only look for your own self-interest. You are a kind and generous person, SereneWolf, even if you were exposed to this kind of messaging…

As soon as I got in college and more like nearly adult-teenage era I started seeing competition. And it was so bad like I felt all at once and started studying something just because it was considered “In Demand” But I had no interest and on top of that I felt competition from the classmates like they knew what they’re doing and also topping the class. And for the first time ever I had less marks in 2 subjects in my 1st semester. And failed in math in 2nd semester,

Okay, so you were top of the class in your elementary and high school. But when you chose a college which you had no interest in (you chose it only because it was “in demand”, promising good career opportunities and a good salary, I suspect), your grades started getting worse, and you even failed in math. Basically, when you forced yourself to do something you don’t love, you immediately did worse.

I think it goes to show that it is very important for you to do what you love and what is aligned with your values – because that’s where you can really thrive. I guess when you later chose another college, it was something you liked better and which is more aligned with you interests and preferences? And it has now lead you to a job which you really like (how it is going btw? have you finished with onboarding?)

Yes it was may be conditional even though all I thought parents love is always unconditional towards their children but I guess there always some expectations.

Maybe your parents told you they love you and that they do everything in your best interest (my mother certainly told me that), but it doesn’t mean it was like that in practice. If I got a B (instead of an A), my mother was displeased with me and would condemn me for not studying hard enough. Having all A’s was taken for granted (I was never praised for being an excellent pupil), but even the slightest “slip” was heavily criticized. So her love wasn’t unconditional. I didn’t feel loved in those moments, I felt rejected.

I guess you’ve experienced something similar with your father: if you were top in class, he was pleased with you and would buy you presents. If you were not the first, but still excellent, he was displeased with you, right? I guess this taught you that you have to always be the best, otherwise your father won’t be proud of you. His love and validation were very conditional. Basically sending you a message “I will only love you and approve of you if you are perfect. Anything short of that is not good enough.”

But It did impacted my emotional patterns like for giving or even accepting love.

Perhaps it taught you that you need to be perfect to be loved?

Something just occurred to me: your father expected that you be perfect in terms of academic achievements and career success. Whereas your mother expected you to control your emotions perfectly. To always put on a happy face and never show that something is bothering you.

So they both expected perfection from you, only in different areas. You couldn’t be totally yourself with neither of them, and I think that’s why you have trust issues in relationships.

You said:

Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too.

You believe you need to work hard on yourself, because you are not good enough as you are. That’s your father’s conditioning: You need to be perfect (excelling in many things) to be loved and valued.

And then you also want to perfect your partner too. Your inner critic is critical not only of yourself, but of your partner too. We’ve already talked about it before. With your previous girlfriend, you got into a dynamic of trying to perfect her. The focus was on her and her flaws. And I think it prevented you from showing her your “imperfect” self, your vulnerable, less than perfect, and yet totally lovable self.

(The reason why you were afraid to show vulnerability could be because of your mother’s expectation to never show your emotionally distressed, raw, “immature” self.)

You are asking:

hurt how many more times until find the right person? Seems scary

Hm… it’s not really about finding the right person. Because you admitted that there was nothing really wrong with your most recent girlfriend, and yet you didn’t want the relationship. You backed off because for you, it’s scary, intimate relationships are scary…

And I think it’s because you believe you need to be perfect, both in terms of career/money earning ability (your father’s conditioning), and emotional “maturity” and strength (your mother’s conditioning).

And that IS scary!

If you believe that intimate relationship requires total perfection, of course it is intimidating. And hard work. And impossible to achieve.

But what if it only took for you to show up as you are? And let her show up as she is? Nothing more than that… no hard work, no pressure, no urge to perfect yourself (or her)…. Just letting yourself be, with all your good and bad sides? Because you are good enough…

What do you think? About adopting a new blueprint/new vision for an intimate relationship?

Dear Natalia

What a brave and compassionate person you are giving your father a place to live in your home.

Does your father still drink alcohol?  I gave up alcohol nearly 15 years ago and now that I am in charge of the household we no longer have it in the house apart for the odd occasion when people I am entertaining bring it. Along side abstinence, good nutrition  is important to help the body heal. Chronic alcoholics are typically deficient in vitamin B1 (thiamine), vitamin B6, vitamin B9 (folate), and vitamin A[3]. Even in small amounts, drinking alcohol raises stomach acidity levels and reduces the ability to absorb nutrients through the stomach mucosa and small intestine.  Coconut Oil may also be helpful my dad has 35mls melted into his breakfast each day ( it took about 3 days to kick in).

I wish you all the best

Roberta

What if any health issues does your dad have?

Buddhist texts encourage us to have gratitude for all that our parents have done for us, this is something that many in these modern times struggle with. So general teachings on interdependence and gratitude may be more helpful.

Dear Seaturtle:

I wrote to you: “it is sad that in your efforts to help him, you’d be  allowing him to destroy you.”, and your response:  “yes true. a tragic Shakespearean love story, where she debates to be or not to be…“-

– You said it. So the question is to be you or to be only a small part of you, because the price to pay for a life with N is that a huge part of you will be caged, not allowed to be.

Put in another way, the price for a life with N is blocked chakras. From mind valley. com: “Your chakras can be blocked by life challenges. It can manifest as something physical (like a never-ending migraine) or even emotional (like self-doubt). Here are a few more blocked chakra symptoms that are telltale signs you need to open your chakras: * Difficulty sleeping * Difficulty concentrating * Chronic depression or anxiety * Mood swings * Trouble communicating * Difficulty connecting with others * Feeling ‘stuck’”-

– How many of these symptoms did you experience while living with N?

The source continues to list the seven chakras and the symptoms of blockage for each chakra. Here are a few symptoms of a blocked chakras that (I think) you experienced with N: “Feeling you are not good enough the way you are” (a blocked Root chakra), “The distrust that you can be loved for being you” (a blocked Sacral chakra), “Giving your power away to others as you feel this is necessary to keep peace in relationships (a blocked Solar plexus chakra),  “Fear of commitment and feeling like you have to please others to be loved” ( a blocked Heart chakra), “Frustration because you don’t feel that other people hear what you have to say” (a blocked Throat chakra), “Disconnect from your intuition” (“Telling the difference between gut and fear“!), a blocked Third eye chakra.

In regard to a blocked Crown chakra, I can imagine you experiencing these symptoms if you resume the relationship with N long term: “* Loneliness, insignificance, and aimlessness *A strong attachment to material possessions and achievements (and define yourself according to them) and a disconnect from the spiritual side of life *A lack of connection or guidance from a higher power * Feeling unworthy of spiritual help and angry that your higher power has abandoned you“.

Back to your yesterday’s post, I wrote to you about N: “What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect”, to redirect you”, and you asked: “is this the Teflon?“. My answer: yes. Like Teflon rejecting oil, N rejects anything you say that doesn’t feel good to him.. before he lets it in for consideration.

In regard to the shark/ sea turtle imagery, you asked: “Why do we miss things that harmed us? just because of familiarity?“-  I’ll answer with an example from my life: I’ve known this woman in real life who is routinely critical and rude to me and to others (that’s her MO). Thing is, I like her very much and for the longest time, I tried to please her, to get her to like me back. Why? Because when I was very young, I tried to make another critical and rude (to me) person to like me back: my mother. The woman sort of reminded me of my mother back at a time when I very much loved my mother and tried to get her to love me back.

“It is an interesting concept that he didn’t ‘know-know,’ I am curious how someone can operate on such an unconscious level? It rings true that he doesn’t think deeply about things that he doesn’t find necessary, but why is this?“- The Teflon mind rejects X (something you say) before it considers it. If something you say feels unpleasant to N, he automatically rejects it. If you try to talk to him about it, to explain, he will reject it all just as he rejected it initially. It’s a cognitive short cut of sorts. I don’t know how it came about that this is his (or anyone’s) MO. I’ll think about it.

“He said with words that he wanted to grow but he didn’t with actions and I don’t think he sees the value in it, but why? So this is a huge value I have for a future partner: curious about life and a want to grow in wisdom and understand meaning in human life“- It is easy to say words.. maybe the why (above and here) is that it’s way easier to reject things before consideration (the Teflon Mind) and it is way easier and simpler, in the short term, to not consider the meaning in human life, etc.

“I am feeling clearer now than I did last night and this morning“- good, that was Fri morning. How are you this Saturday?

“I think this is a particularly vulnerable time for me being sick and having to worry financially, when N would have my back if I was sick. He was kind and would tell me not to worry about the money right now and just to get better“- N caused or promoted your sickness when you were living with him (blocking your chakras, see above online source), so see this part I just mentioned in the bigger picture of him being kind to you when you were sick

“(F) would lend me money if I asked but it would come with strings, and I would feel obligated to act in a certain way towards him again so that he felt gratitude for it. He has lofty expectations for gratitude, ways that I have to behave around him that can involve hatch in her cage“- better not say or do anything if the price is to place or keep hatch in a cage.. including resuming a relationship with N.

“I have not seen a doctor because I have had this sickness before and have been self medicating, but I have been taking care of myself best as I can. Drinking fluids, eating protein, showering, painting. Today I think I will attempt some yoga floor work at home that does not hurt my knee“- how is your knee today, and did you do yoga? Yoga’s chest and shoulder opening poses are excellent for opening the heart chakra: I do one such every morning.

anita

Dear Saje,

Thank you for reaching out about your concern, and I hope I’m not too late to the ”party” haha,

Reading your post, I was overflowing with emotions. Most of it was empathy because I felt that many can share with you the same journey; that of healing your sense of self and re-claiming the love that you wished you had for yourself in a world that can be very cruel and unforgiving. In that sense, and such as this space here, we are all just looking for that ray of light that will keep us going and listening to our voices.

I tried to be a little poetic there to alleviate the heaviness of your post; a theme that I relate to as well. I think the best kind of advice that you could use right now, and from my own experience with self-love, is that you can give yourself everything that you need and want; it might sound weird at first, even a little naive, a little pretentious but at this point, I say take the risk to feel a little silly to feel good about yourself. It sounds like you are putting so much pressure on yourself so try to find ease in your life right now, only then do you get closer to your voice that will tell you what it is you really want and need right now. Try to also find some joy without holding yourself to a standard. Gratitude could be a game changer in this context. Finally, I left this because it is often the hardest thing to do for most, try to get familiar with the perspective of celebrating yourself. A little research on that perspective could do so much for you right now.

Before finishing this reply, I want to leave you with the words that a very competent person told me once: “Instead of thinking ‘I’m the only person to fall back’ on, think ‘I’m the best person to fall back on’ ”

I hope that you were able to feel better about this concern. We are cheering for you and belated happy birthday!

-Luna 

Dear soma:

A dentist,  I am sure that you will never be unemployed as a dentist in any part of the world! It is amazing indeed that of 3-5 million test takers, you and your boyfriend scored so close, having only 28 people between your rankings!

“And on top of that we got into the same uni and we both are studying to become dentists! this situation has me believing in faith”- it makes me think of the two of you becoming a family and having children with no untreated teeth problems!

“About the retroactive jealousy thing, since the past few months, I am understanding the importance of communication more and more. I make an active effort to talk about things that bother me and encourage the people around me to do the same… I’ve also been trying to show my affection and gratitude and love more to my community. So, all this effort put by me and by my partner…  has put my mind at a bit more ease and now I understand that me obsessing over such unimportant stuff only damages our relationship”-

– excellent job, soma! I am positively impressed by you! Effective communication coupled with affection, gratitude and love makes a winning combination!

“As of now, I feel slightly underwhelmed by my life. I want to do more stuff, travel more, love more but for some reason, I feel like a bear in hibernation just sleeping. Heavy on wanting to love more, I just want to express my love through so many things and aspects, but I feel like I fail to do so”-

– I see a need for something else to factor into the winning combination I mentioned above, and that is Patience, my young friend. Pace yourself, slow down your thinking and wanting things, and aim at finding contentment in the present moment.

“My school actually starts in about a week and I’m super excited!.. I am wishing all the best to you, love, soma”-

– thank you for your wishing me the best and I am wishing you the best in your upcoming school year, and more and more love in your life!

anita

Dear Shookie, My Friend:

“The tree is mine & he says it’s his.  When he gets back it will belong to the wildlife“- are you afraid a bit of the neighbor’s reaction when he finds out that you cut the tree he claims to be his (partly on his property?) Or are you more afraid of another lightening?

“I have many nests for the animals which have been since before my mother passed.  I have seen several red foxes & their kits.  Two mama skunks with her babies…  I have a deer feeder, which of course, the mean neighbor does not like.  It’s my property. … I prefer animals over most people… I Love Stash, Izzy and Takeda so much.  Since I stopped letting them go outside they have turned into Luv bugs“-

My little study this Mon morning- From better help. com/ people who love animals more than people (I am adding the boldface and italic features):  “In this article, we’ll take an in-depth look why it sometimes feels like we care more our pets more than our next-door neighbors…Spending time with a pet has been found to lower blood pressure, reduce stress hormones, and release chemicals that trigger relaxation even when there’s a lot on your plate. As mentioned, pets also increase social support, which has been found to improve cardiovascular, endocrine, and immune function. Overall, pet owners are just healthier (both physically and mentally) than those who don’t own pets”!
<p dir=”ltr”>From being human. org/ what do you call a person who loves animals more than humans: “1. Animals give us unconditional love. They don’t care about our flaws or mistakes; they love us just as we are.  Whether a dog wagging its tail or a cat purring on our lap, their affection for us is pure and genuine. This kind of love and devotion is hard in human relationships. 2. They are very appreciative… for even the smallest acts of kindness.  Be it a treat, a gentle touch, or spending time together, they often display gratitude and respond with affection and happiness… 3. Animals don’t judge you. They don’t care about our social status, wealth, or appearance… 4. Innocence and Simplicity…They have a purity and naivety that is refreshing in today’s complex and often cynical world… 5. Unlike humans, animals aren’t always asking for something. They don’t have hidden agendas or ulterior motives. They are content with simple pleasures like food, shelter, and love. And this can be attractive to individuals who find relief in relationships without constant requests or obligations.  6. They protect us…The protective nature of animals can create a deep sense of trust and reliance, leading to a preference for their company over humans. 7. Animals are gentle... From a kitten’s soft purr to a rabbit’s warm snuggles, animals have a calming presence that can make even the most stressful day disappear.  Animals often exhibit kindness, tenderness, and a lack of malice, which appeals to individuals seeking peace and harmony. 8. They are loyal. Loyalty is something many people cherish and look for in relationships. Animals, particularly pets, are known for their unwavering loyalty… 9. Animals can calm us down. The presence of animals has a calming effect on human beings. Interacting with animals, petting them, or simply being in their company can reduce stress and promote relaxation. 10. Lack of Expectations. Human relationships often come with a set of expectations and complexities. In contrast, relationships with animals are often more straightforward”.</p>
<p dir=”ltr”>I’d like to be more of these things (words taken from the above article): to love people just as they are, with no preference for some over others because of social status, wealth and appearance; to express pure and genuine, innocent and simple affection, to be straightforward (to have no hidden agendas or unexpressed motives, no demands…  no unnecessary complexities when interacting with people); to be appreciative for the smallest acts of kindness; to find contentment in the simple pleasures of life; to protect others and be loyal, to promote the trust of others; to be gentle, kind, and tender; to promote peace and harmony (no malice); to have a calming effect on people.</p>
Back to your recent post: “I am learning to appreciate the life I had growing up instead of thinking about just getting older.  I realized I had the best parents I could have asked for & an exciting life and fun jobs…  Memories stay with you forever & it makes me so happy.  I hope you are happy and doing well“- it makes me happy to read that you are happy. Your happiness promotes my own!

anita

I am grateful for student loans, that are providing me with housing and higher education to give me a better life.

I am grateful for the wisdom I have found in my past experiences and in my present.

I am grateful for the kindness and compassion I have found in people.

I am grateful that I can experience true gratitude.

Dear Jamie,

you are most welcome, glad I could help.

It honestly amazes me that they did not stopped at criticizing the other people from the destroyed online community, but pretty much everybody else in their lives, too. Now that I’ve actually stop and thought about it over these past couple of days, I realize that they were the type to complain about their own family members, neighbors, people they work or go to school with, and so on. To them, if you’re not also this moody badmouther who hates anything peaceful or joyful, then you’re someone worth criticizing, and… honestly, you’re right. It was toxic. It is toxic.

Yes, it does seem toxic. Because it seems the only thing these people ever did was criticize. They were chronic complainers.

And so no wonder that when you started feeling better about yourself (when I became happier and happier in general… as time went on and I slowly found my self-esteem rising as a result of personal healing), they started attacking you and criticizing you.

Because they didn’t want to do what you did: take responsibility for your own life and healing. They didn’t want that – they wanted to keep blaming the world and outer circumstances. You were a reminder to them that things could be different – if they make an effort. But they didn’t want to, and so they started blaming you.

You said one of them specially resented you because she felt you were more privileged, and so she was jealous of you. That’s really bad when people focus only on what they don’t have, instead of being grateful for what they do have (they felt they had nothing to have gratitude over).

But again, I’m happy we did not worked out ultimately because I don’t want to be as unhappy as they are.

Great! I am happy too that you didn’t make amends with them and agree to follow the “poor me” narrative and blame everyone else…

The thing that helped me most was visualizing myself being able to talk to my younger versions and being like a mother figure to them, since I essentially grew up without one around me (emotionally speaking).

Being a good, loving mother to your inner child is a great practice! If you’re doing that already, I don’t have anything special to recommend. I too grew up without an emotionally supportive mother, so giving my inner child the love and appreciation was what helped me a lot…

I wish I could have figured everything out by now, but sadly life is never that simple or always goes according to my personal timetable.

I get the feeling that you’re still quite young, so you couldn’t have possibly figured out everything by now 🙂 In fact, we learn till we’re alive, so…

I was once the fool one too many times with people who pretended to be wounded just so I could help them, and all so they could take advantage of me in other ways.

I see… you wanted to help people, and then they took advantage of you? Perhaps you were attracted to this toxic group too, because you felt sorry for them and wanted to help them (since they were complaining so much), but then they turned against you?

I’m still not sure on how to look out for predators like that, though I feel more protective of myself naturally now than back then, thankfully.

If you find yourself only giving and not receiving anything, or receiving just breadcrumbs in a relationship – that’s one of the red flags. We can talk more about it, if you’d like to. I am glad that you feel a bit more protective of yourself nowadays…