Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In

by Lori Deschene

Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The winners:

• happy_smileskk
• wylygirl

You know that open-hearted, safe feeling of being in the presence of someone you love and trust? Have you ever wondered if you could bottle that and feel it later, when you were alone?

What about that connected, fulfilled feeling of loving someone else passionately and unconditionally. Have you ever wondered if you could sustain that whether you were in a relationship or not?

Bestselling author Marci Shimoff (who also wrote six books in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series) explores this possibility in her new book, Love for No Reason—and it’s not just a feel-good idea. It’s backed by scientific research, and its instantly applicable thanks to Marci’s practical, specific guidance.

Love for No Reason is for anyone who wants to:

• Open their heart and become a magnet for love
• Enjoy more fulfilling relationships with others and themselves
• Turn off their body’s stress response and turn on their body’s love response for better health and well-being
• Experience more success and satisfaction
• Transform their family, community, and the world

I’m grateful that Marci took the time to answer some questions, and also that she is giving away 2 free copies of her book.

The Giveaway

To enter the giveaway:

1. Leave a comment below noting if you’ve ever felt “love for no reason,” and if so, when you felt it most recently.

2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha GIVEAWAY and Interview: Love for No Reason http://bit.ly/yfA8bX

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 13^th.

The Interview

1. What inspired you to write Love for No Reason?

When I finished writing Happy for No Reason, I’d definitely gotten much happier. But I knew there was still something I wanted that was beyond happiness—and that something was Love.  Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” –Robert Gary Lee

In a college acting class, my teacher had my peers surround me in a circle so that I could toss my body in various directions, while improvising a scene based on my past. She did this because I had no access to my feelings about certain events.

I could recount the most painful events in my life without a shred of actual emotion—which meant that I was often play-acting when I got into another character’s head, because in many ways, I was shut down.

When I’d thrust myself at another student, she’d push me across the circle to another one who would push me to someone else, and this would stir something in me. I’d start to feel angry, and agitated, and alive—things I didn’t feel very often back then.

I’d slowly start reliving the moments that hardened me, and actually connecting with the feelings they inspired. That circle of people felt both harsh and safe, because I was both terrified and desperate to go back—to understand what hurt me so that I could heal.

Not everyone has trauma in their past, but we’ve all been hurt before–and it can be tempting to move on without every really addressing it. It’s not always comfortable to look backwards, and many times we convince ourselves it’s smart not to do it since life happens in the now. But we can only thrive in this moment if we understand and work through the emotions we avoided to survive in the past.

We can only address what keeps us stuck if we understand why it feels safe that way—what we gain by ignoring what happened—and then recognize that we gain far more by working through it, learning from it, and then making smart choices based on what we learned.

We have an amazing ability to lie to ourselves—to say that we’ve moved on when we haven’t, and to say that we’re fine when we’re not. We may even convince ourselves these things are true.

But if we want to truly let go and feel free, we need to create that circle for ourselves—to address whatever hurt us before and why and how it did—so that we don’t just forget about the past; we shape the future with the wisdom we’ve gained from having lived it.

Photo by zeze57

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Cathy Taughinbaugh

“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” ~Marianne Williamson

Are you a dog lover? I know I am.

Animals of all kinds can bring us so much joy, not only when things are going well, but also when we feel pain and are suffering.

“Man’s best friend” can be our true and faithful companions through thick and thin. We look to our pets when we are ready to play and laugh, and they instinctively know when we need their support.

I’ve had a dog most of my life. From purebreds to mutts, I’ve loved them all. It has always felt comforting to me to have a dog around. The joy dogs provide is well worth the effort.

We all have struggles and challenges in our life, and it’s during those times that our pets can really come in handy to help us find our joy.

One of my most stressful challenges was discovering my daughter’s addiction to crystal meth. I felt blindsided by this discovery. I knew she was struggling, but this was something I had never expected.

I learned from this experience that the time I have spent working on myself, as opposed to the time I have spent trying to fix her problem, has been the most meaningful and the most productive. Despite having addiction in my life, I could find my joy again.

For parents in the midst of addiction with their children, it can be emotionally exhausting for long periods of time. It’s easy to let the stress of the situation overtake you.

I am one of the lucky ones. My daughter has gone on to seek recovery for her addiction. She has grown and matured in ways I would never have expected.

We have both learned life lessons, and have evolved into new and hopefully better people. We both know to take it one day at a time.

From this experience, I found I needed to change. I needed to approach life in a new way.

As I watch my dog go through her day, I realize the lessons are really right there in front of me if I care to pay attention.

Here are some of the ways I can be the person my dog wants me to be, and be the person I want to be as well. I know that whatever life brings me, joy is still always there for the taking. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” -Oprah Winfrey

When I’m not working on Tiny Buddha, I write for ‘tween girls, both as a contributor for a magazine and a ghost writer for a website.

Recently, I wrote several blog posts about the holiday season. One girl commented that she was excited to have received a $50 gift card and a few clothing items.

Everything changed for her when she read that another girl received a $500 gift card and an iPad, among other presents. Suddenly her gifts seemed completely inadequate.

While there’s a lesson in here about our consumer culture, and its effects on our children (the collective “our” since I don’t even have pets, let alone kids), this got me thinking about the comparison game we often play as adults.

It can be challenging to identify what we believe is enough and then feel satisfied with that if we consistently weigh our choices against other people’s.

In my book, I referenced some research that reveals we often adjust our spending based on the earners just above us, whether we can afford to or not. When the rich get richer and buy bigger houses, the earners just below them feel the need to go bigger—and this cascades down the economic ladder.

We end up with a lot of people buying houses farther away from work to get more value for their dollar, commuting longer hours, borrowing more, saving less, and spending beyond their means—which ultimately can decrease our overall life satisfaction. It’s largely because of that instinct to “keep up with the Jonses.” Not doing so can feel like defeat.

But is it really? What does it mean to succeed—to fill a life with things based on what other people think they need, or to fill our time with experiences based on what we truly want?

I’m not going to suggest we stop comparing ourselves to other people, because I prefer to work with human nature than against it. But maybe the trick is to be mindful of what we’re comparing, so it’s less about having the same things as people we imagine are happy, and more about making similar choices to people who truly are.

Those choices rarely have to do with anxiously chasing bigger and better in tomorrow, and everything to do with peacefully creating and appreciating enough today.

Photo by Mala Imports

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Madison Sonnier

“Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ~ Buddha

I am a very emotional person. I suspect I feel things about ten times more intensely than the average person.

When I’m sad, I’m really sad. When I’m stressed, I’m really stressed. When I’m nervous, I’m really nervous.

Some people would call it being dramatic. I simply call it a genuine aspect of my personality.

I’ve noticed that I have this awful habit of masking how I truly feel or forcing myself to feel differently. It seems as if I constantly have to remind myself that I am a human being and that it’s okay to feel bad sometimes. No one is a positive ray of sunshine every second of every day.

We all want to feel good and happy. When something is upsetting us, all we want is to feel better as soon as possible. But I’ve slowly learned that trying to convince yourself that you’re fine when you’re not will only make you feel worse.  

Whenever I go through some sort of fallout, whether it’s with a friend or a love interest, I immediately cover the wound by telling myself that I’m over that person and they mean nothing to me anymore. I just smile and tell everyone I’m over it and then cry in the bathroom after dinner.

Also, when I went through a phase of feeling depressed and lonely all the time, I would fake smiles and assure everyone, including myself that I was perfectly fine.

I would honestly tell myself to stop being so pathetic and dramatic and that I had no reason to be under such a large, black cloud all the time. I shoved my feelings away and never opened myself up to talk about anything.

The same thing tends to happen even if I’m feeling a positive emotion. There have been times where I’ve felt happy, but let negative people put a damper on my spirit. I would hold back my optimism whenever I was around them.

Sometimes, people will tear you down when you’re happy or make you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy. It makes you feel as if being happy is wrong or offensive.

I often tell myself that what I’m feeling is irrational or stupid. I feel obligated to pretend that I’m stronger and happier than I actually am, even when I’m not. It is extremely rare for me to ever sit down and openly talk about my real feelings.

I always smother or bottle everything up and it’s not healthy.   Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“The use of money is all the advantage there is in having it.” –Benjamin Franklin

I just came back from the dentist where I learned I need $1,400 worth of dental work, and it’s largely because I failed to make a $100 investment last year.

My former dentist had informed me my teeth were worn down from me grinding them in my sleep. She’d suggested I purchase a customized mouth guard, which would run from $100–500, depending on the quality.

I decided to spend $30 at CVS instead, because I enjoy spending as little as possible and, as a result, I often finds ways to cut corners. It’s not because I don’t have money; it’s just because I prefer saving it.

Ultimately, wearing this ill-fitting mouth guard turned out to be an expensive decision, because it kept my mouth slightly open, which dried it out each night—and saliva is something that prevents tooth decay and protects us from cavities, of which I now have eight.

Have you ever decided to go with the lowest cost contractor—maybe for work on your house or your website—only to find you got what you paid for?

Have you ever opted to go without health insurance because you assumed you wouldn’t need it, only to find that health is fragile?

Have you ever bought the cheapest possible furniture, only to realize spending just a little more would have made a big difference in your enjoyment of your space?

Or how about this: Have you ever talked yourself out of a dream because it would require a financial risk?

These are all things I have done—sometimes to save a little, and other times to save a lot.

It seems contrary to conventional wisdom to suggest that not spending can be an emotional decision, but it can be exactly that—a choice to skimp on something necessary or useful in fear there won’t be enough down the road.

This scarcity mindset can prevent us from rationally weighing the options when a moderate expense now can prevent a major one later—or even make us money in the long run.

If you’re someone who spends freely without fear, this lesson may not resonate with you, but for those who can relate: less is not always more.

Sometimes we need to invest in ourselves or our future. As long as we’re not spending recklessly, we can trust this truly is the wisest choice.

Photo by sherrattsam

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Loran Hills

“The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.” ~Shakti Gawain

Keeping a journal has many positive benefits. Journaling can help with personal growth and development. By regularly recording your thoughts you will gain insight into your behaviors and moods.

Journaling can be used for problem-solving and stress reduction. It’s been proven to improve mental and physical health. It can lead to increased self-esteem.

Dr. John Grohol, CEO of Psych Central, estimates that one in three people suffer from a mental illness.  Anxiety disorders, mood disorders and substance abuse can be treated with a combination of medication and counseling.

In addition, writing in a journal is an effective tool for use in the healing process.

I started keeping a diary at age 8. As I grew up, I wrote the normal kinds of teen angst entries but eventually I turned journaling into a more sophisticated practice. In my 20’s I read all of Anais Nin’s Diaries.

I studied Ira Progoff’s At a Journal Workshop and implemented his methods—an elaborate design for generating the energy for change. Using his methods I was able to sort through turbulent emotions during the divorce from my first husband and discover hidden lessons from the experience.

To this day I continue to use some of his techniques as well as others I’ve learned. Recently I’ve discovered a new creative world in art journaling. Using mixed media has helped me express myself in refreshing and unusual ways.

There is a lot of power in the written word but occasionally words are hard to find. By drawing or making a collage I have been able to create a representation of how I feel that moves beyond my analytical writing.

Writing has helped me to process not only failed relationships but also to recover from grief and loss. 

Reading back through my journals has helped me reflect on where I used to be and where I am now in my life. It’s a method of allowing the light of understanding and compassion to shine on my past.

In The Artist’s Way Julia Cameron suggests writing three handwritten pages or 750 words every morning.  At first there is a lot of “dumping” but eventually little jewels of wisdom and direction emerge.  I found myself creatively energized when I participated with a group for 12 weeks using her book as a guide.

If you want to improve your perspective on life and clarify issues, start writing in a journal. 

You can’t know where you’re going if you don’t know where you are. Be sure your journal will remain private or write online so that you are writing for your eyes only.

Here are 10 tips to get started: Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Valle, a high school student from Madrid, Spain

“The world is full of suffering. It is also filled with overcoming it.” -Helen Keller

Even though I am just 16, I’ve lived my short life with so much pressure, which I’ve finally realized comes from me.

During my life, I have lived through more challenges than most teenagers, and at times I didn’t think I could handle it.

My life has never been easy. My parents broke up when I was two years old because my father was unfaithful to my mother. It was hard. The rancor between two people can last decades. And now, 14 years later, they have overcome some of their differences, but the bitterness is still here, and so, the suffering too.

For two years in school starting when I was seven, I was battered by my schoolmates. Although I was very young I can remember how hard it was going to school knowing what was waiting to me. Most of the time it was a psychological abuse, and for this reason, it made the effect less obvious.

After this I spent one year totally alone because everyone disregarded me. They made fun of me all the time and that was hard to deal with. Luckily, I found the strength and courage to tell this to my parents.

Sometimes the hardest part of dealing with a difficult problem is acknowledging it. When you recognize your problem, you’ve taken a huge step.

I thought I was on the right track after this, but I still struggled and eventually started suffering with an eating disorder.

Sometimes, the things we do in life seem completely insignificant, and we don’t think about the consequences of our actions. That’s how it was for me—I thought I was limitless.

Like other kids my age, I didn’t want to be a conformist.

Still, I felt I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, friendly enough, or hard-working enough. So I just didn’t care about myself. I wasn’t important.

So, what did I have then? Everything, in fact everything. But I was just too busy abusing myself to recognize it.

During the last year and still now, I am trying to overcome my disease. I am doing this by loving myself and letting others love me too, because if you don’t love yourself, you won’t be able to receive love from anyone else. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

Note: This winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

The Winners:

• Maloney411
• kgirl

It’s often occurred to me that the most important components of my peace and happiness are actually quite simple. When I start feeling overwhelmed or unbalanced, it’s generally because I’ve complicated things and lost touch with what truly matters.

This is precisely why I loved reading David J. Singer’s book Six Simple Rules for a Better Life: it offers practical wisdom by focusing on the simplest of ideas—which we nonetheless forget at times—and includes concrete suggestions to make incremental change across multiple areas of our lives.

David writes in a warm, down-to-earth tone, and shares his experiences, insights, and, most importantly, his humanity with candor, which makes the book easily digestible and accessible.

I’m excited to share a little about David and Six Simple Rules for a Better Life, and also offer two free autographed copies.

The Giveaway

1. Leave a comment below, noting one “rule” or guideline that you’ve adopted for your health and happiness.

2. Tweet: RT @tinybuddha GIVEAWAY and Interview: Six Simple Rules for a Better Life http://bit.ly/x0zZM4

If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, January 6^th. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised.” -Denis Waitley

The other day I was watching reruns of a show I’ve recently found and now love. In one scene, the main character talked about the “perfect moment” that never came to be—an isolated point in time when things would have worked exactly as he imagined they would, and as a result, there would only be positive consequences to his choices.

This got me thinking about my own instinct to create perfect moments according to what I’ve visualized—and also the times when I’ve been part of other people’s plans.

In high school, I reconnected with an old friend from junior high, who’d also been bullied back then. I was going through a lot emotionally and wasn’t in a place to date him. He told me he was disappointed because he “wanted me for his senior year.”

He had a specific vision of me being the one on his arm at the prom. It wasn’t just about being with me; it was about being with me in a very specific way.

I’ve done the exact same thing at times. I know I want to have children—but in an ideal world, I’d have them in the next two years, and I’d have created a situation that allows me to spend equal time on the east and west coasts, to be close to family in both places. I realize, however, that in two years time, I may not have created those conditions.

Life doesn’t always work out in the way we imagine would be ideal. We can either resist that, feeling crushed when we don’t get exactly what we wanted, or accept reality at every step of the way and adapt to make the best of what we get.

We’re often advised to visualize the future in specific detail so that we may create it; to see in our heads the environment, the people, and the situations we want to manifest. This can be a powerful exercise because it helps us get clear about what we really want.

It will be a far more effective practice, though, if we remember that what we really want isn’t the perfect moment—it’s happiness from moment to moment. That comes from choosing to embrace and work with what is, instead of bemoaning and fighting it.

Photo by magical-world

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Adam Alvarado

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” ~Andre Gide

I’ve lived in Virginia all my life. Pretty much all that I remember at least.

I was a young boy when my parents moved here from Long Island, New York—away from much of our family—because life in the place they had grown up just didn’t provide the opportunities necessary to support a family of six.

Since then, nearly my entire extended family has followed—most of my aunts and uncles, and their children, and their children. And though they may live in Virginia, these older family members remain New Yorkers.

You hear it in their voices, in their attitudes. You see it in the Yankee hats and the Giants jerseys.  They’re so “New York” in fact, that I often jokingly call them Virginian just to watch the comically disgusted looks on their faces.

I’m evil. I know…

And though I myself go back to New York all the time and do enjoy it, I’m just not one of them.

I am not a New Yorker. And though my family may secretly cringe at the thought, it’s true.

I love Virginia. I love it.

I think it’s the most beautiful place. I love all the hills, and the creeks, and the forests. I love how I’m a short drive from bustling young cities around DC and rustic old farms down south. I love how nearly every road has a sign marking some long-forgotten event of the Civil War.

I love the old split-rail fences that frame the historic houses. I love imagining that these forests were once walked by Indians and settlers, Confederates and Unionists.

I was educated here at a university founded by Thomas Jefferson. I graduated on the lawn where he once walked. I lived there on land that was once owned and farmed by James Madison.

This place is so perfect to me, and I love it.

So, Long Island?

Yeesh.

It’s just some place to me—known more in my memory for the countless old car dealerships, and the endless delis, and the fact that no matter how long it’s been since I’ve been there last, it never seems to change at all, as if it’s perpetually 1985.

It’s like people never move there. They only ever move out. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Anger always comes from frustrated expectations.” -Elliott Larson

Before I left for my two-week holiday family visit, I asked my boyfriend to wash our sheets before I returned. I hoped to come home to a clean, organized apartment, with everything as I left it. That is not, however, how things panned out. Instead, I came home to a somewhat disorganized space and a pile of dirty towels—along with an empty refrigerator.

My boyfriend told me he’d been busy, and he didn’t have time to do all the laundry or go food shopping. I translated “I didn’t have time” to mean “I assumed you’d do it when you got back.”

At first, I felt annoyed. I thought, “I wouldn’t leave laundry for you,” “I would have bought at least some staples in case you were hungry,” and a few other righteous gripes about his domestic shortcomings.

I was going to let him know it’s not okay to take me for granted, but then I realized something: I was assuming his actions meant that, when they may, in fact, have only meant exactly what he said—that he got backed up and didn’t have time.

So instead of expressing my dissatisfaction with the expectations he didn’t meet, I expressed exactly what I felt: “When you say you don’t have time to do things around the house, I sometimes assume you expect that I will do them.”

He responded, “I don’t expect that at all. I expected I would do them later tonight. I know you’re busy too.”

This right here, I suspect, is the cause of most conflict in relationships: one person does something or doesn’t do something, and the other makes assumptions about what it means.

I have done it many times before—assumed the worst in someone I love because they didn’t do what I would do. But this rationale fails to consider that other people have different ways of doing things, and they have no idea what meanings we’ll assign when they choose to do things their way.

They also can’t know precisely what we expect unless we express it. I asked my boyfriend to wash the sheets, and he did. But more importantly, he’s a thoughtful, considerate person on the whole, and this one incident was not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

We have a right to communicate when we feel hurt or offended, but maybe love is learning to be hurt and offended less often. The people we care about are generally doing their best—love is recognizing that instead of assuming the worst.

*I added this to the comments, and I decided to add it here: For anyone reading this who feels an overall sense of over-compromising–and as a result sacrificing their needs and losing touch with their values–please know this post is not for you.  This post is for anyone who, like me, is in a happy, healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise, but gets annoyed by little unmet expectations here and there. 

Photo by torbakhopper

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Laura Fenamore

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

With 2012 just starting, New Year’s resolutions are on everyone’s mind.

I’ve never liked the word “resolution.” As defined in the dictionary, resolution means “a firm decision to do or not do something,” and anyone who’s ever done, well, anything knows that life rarely works like that.

I prefer to think of my January decisions as New Year’s Solutions. Defined in the dictionary as “a means of solving a problem or dealing with a difficult situation,” solutions are useful and practical. Thinking about them now helps us find peace in whatever may happen in the year ahead.

The best solution I can think of, and one that is especially helpful after the excess of the holiday season, is letting go.

As a Body Image Coach, I often hear stories from people who decide at the beginning of a year that this will be the one when they’ll be able to fix their bodies.

They want to “fix” themselves; they want to look like their high school pictures or their super fit best friends or whoever’s on the cover of Vogue.

My feedback for all who are constricted by a negative diet mentality: let go.

This seems counterintuitive, ironic, cruel, and maybe even ridiculous. You’ve just connected with a powerful desire about what you want your life to be like, and now I’m going to tell you that you have to move forward completely unattached to the outcome of whether you’ll get the life you want and will now be working toward.

The crux of this philosophy is that in order to get that which we want, we must let go of our need and desire for it.

This may sound impossible, unattainable and completely contradictory; however, this is where freedom lies.

I know firsthand that letting go is the path to freedom and joy. My struggle with weight started when I was a toddler. When I got older, I thought that if I could only lose the extra weight, I would be happy.

I did lose the weight—100 pounds—between my 24^th and 25^th birthdays. I had finally achieved what I thought was my goal; I was thin, so I should be happy, right?

I was more miserable than ever. I was so worried about gaining the weight back, so scared that I might relapse, that I couldn’t enjoy my newfound health.

I was stuck living in fear that the future would not be what I wanted, that I would lose control, that my hard work would be for naught.

It was only when I figured out how to live in the present, how to be focus on the now and not concern myself with worrying about things that had not even yet happened, that I was able to be happy.

After learning to do that, not only was I content for the first time in my life, but I also was able to keep the weight off without worrying about it. I have kept that 100 pounds off for 24 years.

We achieve the life we desire when we begin living for the moment, in the moment, and because of the moment. Finding happiness in this New Year will not be an outcome or a result. It is doing; it is being.

How can your foster this way of being in your life? It begins with looking at those things we desire most and finding the bliss in working toward them in the present—not in achieving them in the future.

Achievement is still the goal, but ironically, you only get there by letting go of the need for it. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.” –Hausa Proverb

Last year, someone asked me in an interview what I’d say to myself, from 10 years ago, if I could meet that person now. I said something along the lines of, “Be good to yourself—you’re doing the best you can.”

She then asked what I’d say to myself 50 years in the future, if I could meet that version of me now. I answered that, to that Lori, I would say, “Thank you.”

I realized after the fact that I thanked my 80 year old self because that version of me would have presumably done everything I wanted to do in this world, and using the wisdom I gave younger me, she would hopefully have done it being good to herself.

But I recognized that it was equally important to thank myself at each step of the way—regardless of what I did, and even when I stumbled. Why? Because I was doing the best I can, and that is something worth recognizing and appreciating, not just in hindsight, but right now.

This is the time of year when many of us look back at the 365 days past and measure how much we’ve accomplished—and then look into the next 365 to detail everything we’d like to achieve.

There’s nothing wrong with making goals; in fact, I’m a huge proponent. But as we go into the next year, I invite you to join me in thanking the “us” from 2011—not just for the things we’ve crossed off our to-do and bucket lists, but for all the courage, passion, strength, and just plain good-heartedness we demonstrated.

Here is my list of “Thank yous” to me:

• Thank you for growing a little every day.
• Thank you for forgiving yourself when you stumbled.
• Thank you for loving fully and vulnerably.
• Thank you for trying new things, even when you felt scared.
• Thank you for cutting yourself some slack when you did nothing because you were scared.
• Thank you for using the wisdom you gained, instead of just acquiring knowledge.
• Thank you for taking care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally, more often than not.
• Thank you for loving yourself, regardless of what you achieved.

What would you thank the “2011 you” for?

Photo by pdxap

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by Lori Deschene

Important Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen! You can purchase Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions on Amazon.com. Also, be sure to subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly emails!

The winners:

• DeniseJane2010
• Cd_at_aspenacres
• Printpopceo

Happy almost 2012!

It’s been an exciting year for Tiny Buddha. For one thing, the community has grown, but what I find most exciting is that the number of people sharing their stories and engaging with other people has increased exponentially.

During the first year, I published two posts from the community per week. In January of 2011, submissions slowed down, and I wondered if perhaps I’d need to take a new direction with the blog.

In February, however that all changed, and posts started coming in so frequently that I was able to publish one per day, and oftentimes had to ask people to hold off on submitting so that I could catch up.

That has remained steady all year, and I’m excited to see that countless insightful, helpful, loving conversations have unfolded in the comments, some which included me and others that did not.

Tiny Buddha is what it is because people are willing to be honest about their experiences, and in doing so help others and let them know they are not alone. If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll contribute a post in 2012!

I have learned so much from everyone who has shared themselves here. So here are the top 10 insights of 2011 (based on page views and comments): Click Here to Read More…

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Laurenne Sala

“Stay away from what might have been and look at what will be.” ~Marsha Petrie Sue

In my mere thirty years on this planet, I have had lots of boyfriends. Lots—hundreds. First one: Pat McGovern, first grade. We were in different classrooms, but we each took a casual stroll to the bathrooms at the same time. He leaned his three-foot-two body against the pink tiled wall and waited for me to walk by.

Then, just at the perfect moment, he told me I looked smashing. (It was picture day, so I was slinging the old A game.) This was the first of many cheesy pick-up lines thrown at me from men leaning against walls, and I ate it up like Haagen-Dazs.

Days later we were kissing under the slide at recess. That was my dating heyday, when relationships were easy. First: attraction. Then: coloring. Then: birthday parties, moms getting friendly on field trips, maybe some conversation about how the Stegosaurus was a vegetarian. And then: onto the next.

Now it goes more like: attraction, fun times and laughter, imagining future together that is bright and perfect, time passes, perfect future slightly mired by his pot smoking and video games, six months pass, finally decide that future together indeed looks horrible, snoring no longer deemed “cute,” “break” requested, awkward friend period, mutual disgust.

And repeat. And repeat again. And repeat again until you have had so many relationships that the index card holder you got as a teenager to record all your relationships won’t close anymore. (Yes, I record them all. Big fan of data entry.)

And what happens to all those men busting out of your relationship box? They’re all still out there. And they’ve moved on. And they have wives and kids and they are much, much happier without your constant requests for compromise or time alone to write blog entries. (Yes, I’m using the universal “you,” but this is obviously all about me, my friend.)

There’s always been some selfish part of me that has wished those exes wouldn’t move on.

I’ve caught myself hoping they would freeze in Ex-land, waiting for me just in case I’d made an awful mistake by ending things.

In the past, I’ve heard about an ex getting married or having four kids, and I’ve cringed and perhaps had a snifter of wine, thinking “What if that was supposed to be me?”

I could have a house and kids by now. I could be “settled” into a comfortable life right now. What was I thinking? What if I made a mistake? Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.” -Unknown

The other day I was watching TV when one of those pharmaceutical commercials came on.

You know, the kind that shows a blissful looking woman running through a field of flowers while a voiceover extols the virtues of some drug—and then concludes with a list of possible side effects, including tremors, agitation, drowsiness, nausea, diarrhea, hair loss, blurred vision, night sweats, blood clot, stroke, and in some cases, death.

It might have been for psoriasis or restless syndrome; regardless, I found myself wondering if solving one of these unpleasant but non-life threatening problems was actually worth the risk of so many more uncomfortable, and in some cases, dangerous ones.

Then I started to think about how this type of thinking often prevails in everyday life, when a drink, a cigarette, or a bucket of chicken can seem like a quick fix for an unpleasant feeling.

While any of these things might provide relief in the present, they open us up to a great deal of potential pain in the future.

I’ve turned to all of these crutches at different points in my life; and despite making tremendous progress over the years, sometimes it still takes a conscious effort to resist instant gratification when I’m hurting.

It can feel like a reflex—I want this feeling to end, and I know exactly the fix that will numb it.

What we don’t always remember in that moment when we reach for the pill—whatever it may be—is that dulling the symptom rarely removes the cause. It’s really just an avoidance tactic. It’s a way to feel better right now without doing anything to help you feel better on the whole.

It may dull the pain of a fight, but it doesn’t change that there’s conflict. It may soften the blow of a loss, but it doesn’t change that someone or something is gone.

It may cloud the reality of what is, but in no way makes it different.

Oftentimes we feel the need to do something to make pain go away, but most often what we really need is to sit with it, learn from it, and then act on what we’ve learned.

It might be uncomfortable to go against what we usually do, but it’s the only way to create the possibility of feeling better than we usually feel.

Photo by Wonderlane

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Angela Marchesani

“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford

Well, the little blue line was undeniable, and the circumstances unforgettable.

It was Black Friday 2007, after a full day of work during which my nausea rendered me so useless that my coworkers insisted I buy a pregnancy test on my way home.

And there was a line.

But no spouse. No ring. No house. Just a freshly-issued Master’s Degree and the gamut of emotions that come with an unexpected pregnancy.

Surprisingly, I felt excited to be a mother.

But I feared what others would think. I was not convinced I could manage on my own. And I questioned how this choice would impact my child for the rest of his life.

Two potential life paths loomed in my mind’s eye, possibilities for my future after this momentous event:

Path A projected a life of pain and struggle, feeling ostracized from society and working tirelessly to make ends meet while my child fended for himself and fell in with the wrong crowd as a substitute for his overwhelmed and unavailable mother.

Path B presented the option of a life where “mistakes” are blessings, and my son and I could grow close together with the support of a village of loving friends and family while I focused on our bond and our health, using all of the resources available to me and constantly bettering our lives.

Clearly, “Path A” came from a place of fear and shame. Until this event, I didn’t make mistakes. I was always the one who was steadfast and predictable, cautious and planned.

So this rocked my world.

Thankfully.

Because that vision of Path A had haunted me and inhibited me for my entire life, in different ways. Path A was always the worst-case scenario of what might happen if I veered off the beaten path, whether intentionally or by “mistake.” The possibility of Path A prevented me from actually living my life. Click Here to Read More…

by Lori Deschene

“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what’s right.”  -Isaac Asimov

Last week a woman emailed me to let me know she holds the copyright for a photo someone submitted for the Life’s Hard Questions contest.

She told me she took the picture of an ex-friend, who we’ll call Tina, using Tina’s camera when they were on vacation, before they had a falling out—and now she wants the photo removed and Tina disqualified from the contest.

She also let me know her computer crashed, so she no longer has the original file. Still, she demanded I take it down or she’d be forced to take further action.

I couldn’t help but feel she reached out to me solely to spite Tina, now that they’re on bad terms. Tina confirmed my hunch when she let me know this ex-friend was harassing her in every possible way on the web.

I asked this woman to send some type of proof that she holds the copyright, but I have to admit a part of me hoped that she could not.

This scenario got me thinking about the speech I heard from Dr. Phil Zombardo, when he talked about what it means to be a hero; a big part of it is speaking out against injustice and not ignoring our instincts when we believe something is not right.

I believe it’s not right to intend to hurt someone—and I always feel compelled to do something when I see someone being mistreated. But I’ve learned that sometimes, even when we believe something is wrong, it’s just not our place to do anything about it.

When two friends are fighting, for example, and it’s tempting to take sides and get involved. But all this does is create more drama.

There are going to be things we feel adamantly are wrong, and sometimes there will be absolutely nothing we can do but offer our support where it’s needed.

Tina’s friend ultimately could not supply proof, so I didn’t need to take the photo down. But if she did, I would have been legally obligated to do just that. Regardless, it wasn’t my friendship to heal.

Sometimes the right thing to do is to let other people make things right.

Photo by nickyfern

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Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Carolyn Hidalgo

“Love is saying, ‘I feel differently’ instead of ‘you’re wrong.’” ~Unknown

We seek it, want it, need it yet it eludes so many of us: genuine heart-felt unconditional love. Not infatuation, lust, or what you think makes you happy, but true intimacy at the level of your soul.

How do we create deep authentic connections with those who matter most? Love seems to come in precious moments that we can’t seem to grasp before time and our busy lives takes its toll. Must we try so hard to make love work? Doesn’t love just flow?

We hear about unconditional love, that we must love ourselves first before we can love another. It requires something so simple, yet difficult in practice: letting go of making ourselves, and others, wrong.

When you make someone else wrong, you hold the energy of needing to correct, convince, control ,or change someone else (the 4 C’s as I call them). Someone should “be or do” the way you expect. Blaming, complaining, or condemning becomes acceptable.

When you make yourself wrong, you hold thoughts of how you should be, and end up feeling not good enough. We now see ourselves and others as objects or problems that need to be fixed.

I grew up in the most loving, caring, stable family environment with three brothers and two sisters. Being the eldest girl, I followed the rules and learned what was right and wrong.

My parents, both physicians, worked hard and instilled strong values of kindness, respect, and education. It was critical we each have an independent profession. It made sense, and we became three physicians, two MBAs, and me, a Chartered Accountant.

We all lead happy personal and professional lives. All married with 15 children among us, we get along with virtually zero drama or conflict, and have the most amazing family get-togethers. We look forward to the holidays, and numerous birthday celebrations. Surprisingly, it turned out we are the exception.

I attribute the harmony we experience to my mother who gives of herself like no other with an uncanny ability to not complain about anything. She is one smart, highly productive woman.

Logical with astounding common sense, she instilled high self-esteem—the secret ingredient to happiness. What about love? It didn’t need to be expressed to certainly know I was loved. Yet something was missing. Click Here to Read More…