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Posts tagged with “relationships”

The Difference Between True Love and Love Addiction

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“We often say ‘love’ when we really mean, and are acting out, an addiction—a sterile, ingrown dependency relationship, with another person serving as the object of our need for security.” ~Stanton Peele

When I was sixteen, I fell in love. At least I thought I did. I had all the symptoms—quickened pulse, butterflies, and a head so full of him that all my pain and all my problems magically disappeared when we were together.

I called this love.

And why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t any young girl? Isn’t that what love is—when you can’t live without each other, when you …

When You’re Afraid to Speak Up and Be Yourself in Relationships

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“Your fear is boring.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

It has taken me eighteen years of marriage, two kids, and twenty-plus years of healing to realize I have been afraid of being myself with my husband.

It has taken me decades to step into my power and become the fiercely alive, joyful, and creative expression I am today.

I often think about the guy I met at the bar on the beach and wonder about things like fate, purpose, and “The Grand Plan,” meant-to-be sort of stuff. I stare at my two gorgeous children and part of me knows that every morsel of …

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships and Rediscovering Yourself

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“I am leaving you for me. Whether I am incomplete or you are incomplete is irrelevant. Relationships can only be built with two wholes. I am leaving you to continue to explore myself: the steep, winding paths in my soul, the red, pulsing chambers of my heart. I hope you will do the same. Thank you for all the light and laughter that we have shared. I wish you a profound encounter with yourself.” ~ Peter Schaller

A few months back I was someone you could easily walk all over. I was afraid to let go of friendships because I …

52 Ways to Tell Someone You Love and Appreciate Them

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“The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love and let it come in.” ~Morrie Schwartz

As a child, I never heard the phrase “I love you.” Now, I hear people say it all the time—at the end of phone calls and whenever parting ways.

When I moved away from my hometown of Adelaide, South Australia, twenty years ago, I noticed how much less I felt loved interstate in Melbourne, Victoria. Even though I didn’t hear “I love you” when I was in Adelaide, somehow I knew people cared.

Soon after I arrived here, I …

Keeping Your Word and Showing Up in Your Relationships

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“The simplest deed is better than the greatest intention.” ~John Burroughs

In former times, a person’s word was his “bond.”

In fact, major business deals were transacted and solidified with a simple promise and a firm handshake. It was that basic.

Court cases were reserved for hardened criminals, not contractual breaches. And trust? It was as much of a commodity as stocks and bonds.

I miss those days.

Based upon a number of personal and professional interactions over the last couple of years, it seems that not enough folks consider their word as binding, particularly when it comes to friends …

Forming Positive Relationships: Two Simple Strategies to Meet New People

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“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

We all want to be around people who make us feel lighter and happy. We love seeing and interacting with people who brighten our days.

So, why is it that so many of us spend our days with people who don’t lift us up, people who don’t inspire us, and in some cases, people who tear us down?

It’s tough to remove these kinds of people from our lives, especially if we see …

10 Choices That Lead to a Happy, Fulfilling Life

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“Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.” ~Aeschylus

My twenty-sixth birthday was approaching, and I asked myself one question: “Do I want this year to look like the last one?”

The answer was an immediate and very solid no. I frantically began to analyze what I was doing with my life to get this reaction. I was unhappy for most of twenty-five, romantically, professionally, and socially.

I had been with my live-in boyfriend for about a year and a half, and there seemed to be a growing disconnect. Despite the lies, resulting in jealousy and insecurity, I stayed …

Family Isn’t Always Forever: When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

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“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” ~Edna Buchanan

A few years ago I ended all contact with my parents, and I have not seen or spoken to them since then.

The truth is I am actually okay with that. Initially, I thought I was going to lose my mind. I had been brought up to believe that family comes first. Children should respect and take care of their parents. Family should—and will—always be there for each other.

Those beliefs were based on love, and I cherished them.

I wanted so much to feel that connection—that unconditional love those …

How to Stop Being a Doormat and Start Speaking Up

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“Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.” ~Maggie Kuhn

For years I was that person who needed to know what would happen in the near future. I wasn’t content with being in the moment and letting things unfold naturally because it made me anxious.

Knowing, or at least thinking I knew, was a way for me to relax and reassure myself that nothing was going to unexpectedly pop up. The idea of a problem spontaneously arising made me so nervous and anxious that I’d become a doormat instead of speaking up and saying what I really thought.

For me, …

A Simple Shift in Perspective That Can Improve Your Relationships

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“I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.” ~Gary Spence

Right after college, I joined AmeriCorps. Not really knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I decided to apply for a program teaching classes on HIV/AIDS. I knew a little about the subject, but I have family members affected by the disease.

A couple of cities hosted the program, and I was accepted into the Chicago one. I’m from a small town in Colorado and, to me, Chicago was a huge city. Well, it is the third largest city in the US, …

20 Tiny Changes That Can Completely Overhaul Your Life

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“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

Ever felt down in the dumps, absolutely sure that you wanted to transform your life but no idea where to start?

About three years back I stood at that intersection.

I’d spent years earning one advanced degree after another, until I landed myself a job that paid well but the stress level was so high that I had little room for anything else.

I’d married a wonderful guy whom I’d fallen crazily in love with, but …

You Don’t Need Other People to Validate Your Feelings

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“When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you.” ~Leslie Vernick

It’s coming up on the anniversary of when I left a relationship that was both my unhealthiest and my greatest catalyst for growth.

While I’m able to see that he was a spiritual assignment I needed in order to evolve, I can’t help but feel resentful. But what surprises me isn’t my anger at him; it’s my anger at myself. Let me explain.

Disastrous relationships are nothing new for me. My past is riddled with complicated, codependent, and …

9 Things to Tell Yourself When You’re Afraid to End a Relationship

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“F-E-A-R has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours.” ~Zig Ziglar

No matter how old I get, no matter how experienced I become, ending a relationship is agonizing.

It represents a loss, and losses hurt.

Deep down, I know if I go through with it, I’ll feel freer—well, not right away, but in a little while anyway—but I’d rather crawl under a rock and ignore the whole thing.

When I was a teen, I went out with a guy who had a major crush on me, although I wasn’t attracted to him. …

4 Ways to Have More Affectionate, Loving Relationships

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“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” ~Simone Weil

This morning I was busy French pressing coffee for my husband and me. Everything was going great; I was happily humming along, looking forward to starting my day. My lovely husband came up behind me and bear hugged me gently.

Now, I’ll admit that I don’t usually take this well when I’m in the middle of something. If I’m cooking (which I’m particularly serious about), I’ve been known to push him away and say something along the lines of “I’m cooking! Back!”

This is not sensitive or caring. It’s …

When You Fear Emotional Abandonment: Do You Know Your Worth?

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“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…says Lady Liberty. She was speaking to immigrants wanting to start a new promised life in America, but those words could be my tagline for the men I have had my most intimate relationships with.

If you were broken, emotionally unavailable, complicated, and confused, I was your girl.

I would love you more than you loved yourself, or could love me. 

I would put all my energy in trying to make it work, trying to …

Redefining Closure in Order to Move On and Get Living Again

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“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” ~Unknown

I would love to identify as someone who, when her relationships crumble either gradually or all at once, is able to wipe her hands clean and go about her life without any closure.

I fantasize about the tears, time, and energy I would save if I didn’t feel the need for closure and if I didn’t agonize about trying to have these heartfelt and “necessary” conversations with the people with whom I’ve had falling outs.

For years, I was shackled to the belief …

We Are More Than What We Do for Work

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“I’ve learned that making a living is not the same things as making a life.” ~Maya Angelou

My friend Nick and I were talking one day about our plans for after graduation. We talked about marriage and whether our religious beliefs would factor into our weddings when the time came, or whether our mothers would just run the whole show. Then the question came that grounded me.

“Do you think that you’ll be a workaholic?” Nick asked.

I chuckled and said I could practically guarantee it, as workaholism has always been part of my identity—and a proud part, at that. …

When We Try to Change Others and Avoid Ourselves

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“I’ve discovered that you can’t change people. They can change themselves.” ~Jim Rohn

This is indeed a fact—a fact I took a long time to learn.

You may argue that we help each other change, and it’s true. But the deepest truth is that only we are responsible for our own growth.

The most difficult work is the seemingly minuscule shift from resistance to willingness, which allows us to face the difficult things we’ve been hiding from, and only we can do this for ourselves. 

I had boyfriends who had issues. One of them lacked ambition; he was already lost …

Why Conflict Isn’t Bad (And How to Make It Easier)

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“Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” ~Max Lucade 

I used to do everything I could to avoid having conversations that could potentially be challenging or difficult—even resorting to lying or obfuscation if I really felt backed into a corner.

I didn’t have a good template for what healthy conflict looked like, so every challenging conversation felt like a minefield where I could be attacked, blamed, or shamed at any moment.

As I got older, and especially as I started dating and getting involved in longer-term relationships, I realized that conflict was actually an inevitable, even necessary, part of co-existing …

I Want a Partner Who…

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Source: NotSalmon.com